How does reflecting and diminishing assist in a conflict situation? 30

So, no joke, I figured out this strategy within about a week of starting work as a Walmart cashier. I didn't know it had a name, but basically I discovered that when a customer was angry about something (how long the line was, how few cashiers were working, the price of things was too high, or whatever) I would respond by actively agreeing with them, sharing their anger a bit, and then kinda working back down to a normal level. There's nothing I can do to fix the problem, but if they know that I also think the managers are mismanaging the front end, then they are no longer directing that anger toward me. So I avoid a bad customer interaction, and they get un-angry and hopefully have a better day.

When you do this you are making the angry person feel heard and understood. That is the best way to deescalate 100% of the time.

He is validating the person's feelings and that is often what people need.

This is literally what compassion is all about.

The thing that get me angry more times than anything else is someone telling me to calm down when I am in fact calm

Some people made ignorant assumptions and even accusations, so I will explain my reasoning in hope that it will help them. I get irritated because:
1st- it's a false accusation
2nd- it's (often) a projection
3rd- it gets in the way of solving the problem at hand
4th- it happened enough times to create an emotional memory that aggravate things

I had training that taught me to tell people to calm down, and when I applied it, the situation got worse. I thought the angry person was just wrong, or a bad person or something like that. I thought it was their fault for not calming down. But something felt really wrong after a while of realizing telling people to calm down was never ever not one single time working. I kind of instinctively abandoned it, but I just didn't know what else to do. Sometimes I instinctively did this sort of siding with them, because it worked. But it was just trial by error and I wasn't always getting it right. It's so nice to just finally have it explained in a simple way that makes so much sense. Now I finally get it and will never have to fear accidentally setting someone off who I'm trying to help.

Many years as a doorman taught me this kind of strategy. Never tell someone who's angry to calm down. Understand them and they will calm down all on their own.

I learned this on my own somehow just by observing and truly not wanting people to suffer.

The Top 3 situations that will get you in big trouble:

3: Wrestling a polar bear
2: Posting a meme in England
1: Tell a woman to calm down

So this is how people without empathy can work around that shortcoming to solve problems and build relationships. I'm not against it. Use whatever technique you have to in order to treat people with respect.

This really works. I was in the middle east for a while and I started out in construction sector as a purchase officer. Just a month of training and I got posted on site for a hospital project. The workers were all immigrants that were poorly paid, working in 37-39 degree Celsius temperatures, with 12+ hour shifts. One golden rule was don't mess with the workers because, all of us have heard of stories from before, about the construction workers going to town on snobbish project managers when they tried to act smart. So, I handled all the supplies to the camp, including the beds and toiletries for the newly joining workers and staff from other projects. Apparently, I was supposed to keep a stock of 50+ of the basic items just in case people turned up to the site suddenly without me being informed prior. And since I was freshly trained--I didn't know these tricks that other experienced purchase officers used to do. So long story short, one day some 30+ workers got dropped at camp. And, I like the good PO, requisitioned Head office to supply me the materials--it didn't come for 2 weeks. The workers had to sleep on the floor after their 12 hr shifts. So one fine morning, all these workers came for my puny [censored]--my assistant came running to me telling me to escape and that a mob was coming for me. I looked out the window and they were already outside my office--there was no way out, only one way in and out. If I ran outside, I was a dead man. And this was when already one of our staff in another camp got hospitalized for a similar incident. I accepted my fate and sat back in my chair. They swarmed my office cabin and started shouting. I stood up and walked over to the loudest and spoke to him like it was just another Tuesday for me. He started shouting about the essentials and all that stuff, and the people behind him shouting. I had to save my skin--so I joined in with the same rage. "What? You guys have been working all these 2 weeks without the basic amenities? Why? You all should have protested and not worked all these days. The Head office doesn't care about us... blah blah blah. After all that shouting was done. They shook my hand, called me their brother and told me not to worry, that they would wait for the supplies to come. So that's how I survived that day. And yes, I did get their supplies, I didn't wait for the head office--I called all other PO's from other camps to send me what they had--the good men that they were, got me the supplies within 3 days.

I did this all the time when I used to work for an insurance company’s claims department and I had to de escalate situations when I get calls from very upset customers. They work for the most part. There are a few who no matter what are beyond upset and those gets escalated to upper managers because they have certain authorities to do things I can’t do. Most folks will calm down if they can tell by the tone of your voice and your actions that you empathize with their situation and you’re genuinely trying to help them. So 1. Express empathy, listen and offer solutions. 2. Do it! Be a man of your word. Integrity is everything. Action speaks louder than words.

any little thing we can do in this world, to rectify situations, minimize hatred, stop escalation, is information worth learning.

Something else that's worth consideration when dealing with a temperamental person is, instead of telling them to calm down, just asking them if they're okay. More often than not, the superego will kick in and the angry person will calm down to some degree because they don't have a good reason to snap at you. At the very least, it's a tactic I wish more people would use around me when I fly off the handle.

I've been working with customers/clients for over 30 years, and I always do this. A lot of folks just want to have their complaint and frustration acknowledged. I don't think anyone reacts to "Calm down" by calming down... tends to have the opposite effect.

Used to react exactly this way not knowing how good it was. But in recent years I can’t seem to get my [censored] together, so I lost this mental composure to reflect and diminish. And look how many of my relationships went sour…. Now I know how important of a skill it was and I’m grateful for this to randomly pop up.

Someone telling me to calm down when im pissed only makes it worse. You have to see anger as a fire. You do not interact with it you need to deprive it of fuel. Don’t be condescending either that can get it going as well.

In the right case scenario agreeing with someone will do wonders, especially when you observed a slight done against them.

I totally agree. Some customer supports have to deal with customers in the same way. Communication no matte what has always one first goal for everyone: To be understood!
Thats why I often repeat what drunk people say.. they feel so understood cuz of it. x)
I have to deal with anger for when I was a child and later you're feeling like a disabled person because you cannot just not get angry and when you're angry there is sometimes this little feeling that you know you maybe gonna hurt someone even if it's "only" feelings. One girl gave me a hug without talking when I was raging (no enemys next to me) and didn't let go until I calmed a bit. IT WORKED! I was stunned! (Don't try this in a fight or something, opponents shouldn't be near!^^)
Some people don't understand that being very angry is not exactly like being the same person. If you get much hormones or other stuff into your body you will change a bit or more. And if you are angry it's similar. Our brain works how it works. There is no easy switch. Only experience, communication and reflecting without instant results sometimes.

I struggle with reflecting any emotions that I don't share or understand. The last thing I'm doing is immediately and unreflectively validating someone's out-of-control emotions. But, I also won't invalidate them either. I want to understand what's going on first, I just don't want to reward out-of-control behavior. My parents used to tell me not to talk to them "with that attitude" and I still agree with that.

There's quite a large chasm between completely validating (often irrational) emotions and completely dunking on the person.

You should work to a solution but you should never placate to irrational emotion.

Tell them that you can Feeeel their Anger & that it makes them Powerful & gives them Focus!

This is nice It is especially infuriating when a man tells a woman to calm down, reinforcing the stereotype that women are hysterical, and we couldn't possibly have anything valid to say

I guess it’s a pretty nice gig, being an angry person. You can lash out and be insensitive whenever you want knowing that it’s up to everyone else to validate you and show sensitivity. An angry person can never be accused of being “against someone”, but the person who wants them to be calm is the only one who can be “against them” Damn, this content makes anger sound like a sweet deal..

One of the more sensible things I've heard from this guy. Actually good philosophy. "Reflect and diminish"

That strategy is the same one that effective parents use with their kids. "I validate you and now we'll work together to find a solution". It does wonders

Mirror, pace, redirect. Classic stuff.

I've used this technique for ages when I was in customer success. People are easy creatures to hack.

As a call center employee from a bank I must try this, every customer normally calls in full rage lol

A token of empathy goes a long way.