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There is a good chance you have found yourself in a situation where you have said the wrong thing to someone who is already experiencing high levels of stress. Imagine just finished having an argument with your friend, and it was all because he rough played with the other players in the game, and to make things worse he starts talking trash about how great of a player he is. Rather than arguing back with him it’s probably better to just ignore him or focus on the game. It is always better to take time off when you are angry. Out of all of the causes that can generate stress, frustration is something that has the highest chances of making it better if you give it time. Within the workplace, stress and frustration are things that most of the time are paired with working. Sometimes problems arise and even if they are directly related only to one employee, there is always a chance that the frustration starts building up to a breaking point. That brings us to our question, which is how do you strategize dealing with someone’s frustration. The general idea is, for someone who isn’t aware of the problem, it might be a good idea to completely withdraw from the conversation. In the other case, if you do want to take part in the conversation, there are certain things that you should avoid saying at all costs. For example, in the beginning of the conversation when someone is already in stress, I wouldn’t recommend directly advising them about meditation as it is highly likely that they wouldn’t listen. It is best to allow the person to vent first before suggesting any advice that includes meditation, breathing exercises etc..
You need to refrain from saying “calm down” or downplaying the situation. People perceive such reactions as indifference to their issue, or being antagonistic, which may aggravate the situation and cause conflicts.
“Never in the history of calming down, has anyone ever calmed down by being told to calm down.”
I was a CEO for 23 years and had many such incidents to deal with. When confronted with an angry person, YOU stay calm and shut up, you pay rapt attention and listen to every word, nodding, otherwise doing nothing. If you are forced to make an apology, don’t qualify your apology in any way, just say “sorry”. Don’t interrupt the other party and let them rant. Eventually, they will run out of steam and realise that they are being unreasonable. Then you will get an apology which you graciously accept. Works every time!
I got an apology and a handshake at the end of it. I also had a very clear understanding of what caused the upset and was able to resolve it fairly easily.
When things have calmed down (they always calm down eventually) Avoid making statements, instead ask questions and listen carefully to the answers.
That's the reason I try to avoid saying words like "chill."
I used a similar technique when I used to be a salesman in a store. People would ask how do you sell so well and get along with customers so well. My answer was always, because I don't "sell" them anything. I help them "buy". It's the difference between being adversaries or being on the same team. I saw myself as their guide through the retail jungle.
This is actually really good advice. I don't put much stock into what a lot of these "motivational" guys say but this is actually a solid strategy.
I had a customer service job that often resulted in people waiting hours for me to get them service, and one trick I learned is never to say you're sorry for the wait time because it just reaffirmed what they're mad about and put the blade solely on me. Instead I would thank them for their patience and immediately change the subject into what I can do to make their situation better now that I'm here, and it worked every time. Nobody expects to be thanked for waiting even when they had no choice.
As the guy who has been told to calm down a billion times, I REALLY appreciate the idea!
This is not how to deal with 'angry people', this is how to deal with people you need to have positive relationships with who are angry. There is a big difference.
Literally just teaching empathy to the bros. Nice job jocko
Having worked on a support line/switchboard for a resort town, I figured this out on about my third day. You just take their side and say something like, "Wow, that's terrible. Let me go find you a solution." Instantly defuses the situation with all but the most irrational people. I feel like failing to come up with, encounter or understand this kind of simple verbal technique is why so many people passionately hate public-facing jobs.
Good technique! Never in the history of humanity has anyone ever become less angry when told to ‘just calm down.’
Jocko has the face of a tough guy with whom you wouldn’t want to mess up with, but he actually understands what compassion and empathy are all about. Don’t belittle or mock the pain others are feeling.
Ps: English is not my native language.
Yep telling an angry person to calm down is one of the worst things you can do
Used to do customer service we were told day one. "People will shout at you and it might sound silly, but let them they're annoyed, desperate and feel like they're not getting listened to, some will have spent that time stewing and hyping themselves up to have a go at you." Most people will shout and yell for a bit and then calm down and apologise, yes some do it cause they're [censored] but most do it cause they're fustrated and just want to vent or they just want to be heard.
When someone comes at you like that on every little thing a couple of times a week for years, hissing at you cursing etc..Good luck dealing with it while using that strategy
I think I get it. Something shifts inside the head of the person that's mad. They go from "I'm gonna yell at this guy and he's gonna try to squirm his way out and I'm not gonna let him!" To "Oh, [censored]! This guy actually cares and wants to collaborate with me to get this [censored] fixed?!"
Massive de-escalation and brings the guy's head back into the game to look for a way to solve or mitigate the issue.
This feels more like general relationship advice then handling angry, aggressive people.
I would say being Stoic and cold is the best way to deal with anger overall. You shouldn't fight fire with fire unless it's a life-threatening situation. Be like water my friend.
There's nothing more annoying to hear than a "calm down" when you're angry asf. It's exactly like when you get hurt badly, you're in pain screaming and you hear that real kind "you hurt?"